Last night i went to sleep thinking of the past. Tried for the millionth time to tear out my dreams and throw them out the window. Woke up after 5 minutes, packed some thoughts and trashed them.

Happy with my clear mind, i laid my head on the pillow. Then a sour voice whispered in my ear:

“What are you hiding from?”

“From which i won’t escape.”

And then why are you hiding?”

“Because of fear.”

“Does it help?”

“On the contrary.”

“And then why are you hiding?”

“Because it gives me hope.”

I find that everything that is happening is borderline absurd. It makes no sense in seeing me from any point of view; up, down, sides…not even from other dimensions.

There is a general belief in psychic superpowers and television. Everybody around sees ghosts and substituted truths. All while i can only see how time passes and huge wrinkles grow under my nails.

A good friend of mine once said: “You don’t suffer from insanity… you enjoy every minute of it. Because you realize that all that we see and all that we do it’s just an Illusion….”. The truth behind the words of a friend.

I’m afraid of myself and of my own ideas. I’m afraid i will become reality. A dull reality of a paper society. I’m hiding, running, chasing the insanity.

The inner battle fields are filled with tears like acid from the loss inside me. I’ve hanged myself with my own life line and i buried myself in fire.

We live due to a primordial push, a shocking inertia inspired by what surrounds us. We forgot how to die.

We attach to each of our vertebras, to each muscle metal rods. We lost our self control to a remote and expect to still be free. We confuse our state of being with a beastly existence imposed by society.

So, how can you transform a fundamental right in a supreme act of liberation? How can you transform something plane in a masterpiece of life?

A dude once said that is a default. An a priori thing. The existential anguish finds it’s resolve in extremes. No one gets to that point by doing a rational analysis on life. No external happenings change the temperature of being, but the inner imbalance.  

We succumb to things that happen…that might at some point, be hilarious.

But all of this is a whim, not a confirmation of living. The fact that one believes in the morality of his right is so impressive that i, personally, shouldn’t try to find any reasoning. I do appreciate one that is capable of impressive internal experiences; but to what use if he doesn’t have contact with the realities of existence.

What one lacks, now, is reasoning the fight for searching the truth. Some see the “only reality of life, as a refuge. Some believe that there are no arguments for us to be alive.  Can those who reached the limit use arguments like cause and effect or moral considerations? Obviously not. Those reaching this point have only unmotivating motives to live.

At the peak of desperation the passion for absurd is the only thing throwing a demonic light into the chaos.”(E.C.)

But i do question…how can we do it gracefully?

 

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4 thoughts on “life attempts

  1. Sometimes a crisis can make you question life (this is what happened to me… several times) and others question it naturally. It’s good that you seek these existential answers. I write all about this in my blog you should check it out.

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    1. 🙂 will do. but i have to admit…the existential questions are just there and they are not bound to a crisis or the events happening around me. I do believe that this type of questioning should be a natural state of our being.

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